A Letter from Uncle Sam
Greetings, my fellow Americans,
This is Uncle Sam, or U.S. for short. My dear fellow Americans, I know many of you need healthcare, a living wage, and to get your student loan debt canceled. Well, too fucking bad. You damn peasants! I’m Uncle Sam, and I got wars to fund, dammit. I know I told you all to thank an essential worker during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. We really wanted to raise the minimum wage to show our appreciation. But that darn pesky Senate Paramilitarian, who none of you voted for, said hell no.
It means we ain’t raised the minimum wage since George W. Bush was president. Yes, I know that was 15 years ago, but Uncle Sam doesn’t care about working-class people. Hell, I barely care about middle-class people, but they pay all the taxes. I gotta pretend I sorta like those dumb fucks I fleece every tax day.
I’m fucking Uncle Sam, and I love the United States because I am the United States. We’re the only America that the world cares about. Suck it, Canada, and all those countries South of the Border where all those people speak Mexican. We’re the USA, and we are fucking #1! I told you, dummies, I got wars to fund, baby. Shout out to my homies, Israel, and Ukraine.
We know those countries have free healthcare for their citizens, and you don’t, but we can’t afford to give Americans healthcare. We have a proxy war against Russia to fund. We also have a genocide in Gaza to back. Your tax dollars are needed to fund these international war crimes. Fuck using tax dollars to support things that would improve the lives of my own U.S. citizens. Things like building more schools and hospitals, roads without potholes, and housing for the homeless. That’s silly pie-in-the-sky bullshit.
You all want free college (better join the damn Military to fight for some college money), no student debt, a modern infrastructure, living wages, and affordable housing. I told you we can’t afford it. How’d you people treat those needy corporations over the last three-plus years after they laid off tons of you ungrateful fools during COVID? You assholes started unionizing. As Uncle Sam, I could help you all to form a union by making the Pro Act the law of the land, but that would be socialism. Why? Because my corporate owners, oops, I mean my donors, say so
As your loving Uncle Sam, I put your tax dollars to good use, you ungrateful fucks. We fund endless wars and more police and even more police. #BlueLivesMatter! It’s not you citizens who I protect; you goofy ass losers. Those wars help poor defense company CEOs increase their shares on the stock market. Who cares how many black and brown countries we bomb. It’s not like you can point out where those countries are on the map because we cut education decades ago. So, you idiots failed geography. Hey, no child left behind. Actually, we left every child behind. Unless their parents had money for an excellent private school education.
The police are here to beat the living crap outta you if you all decide to riot and scare the shit outta the rich people. Your tax dollars are needed to give those lowly billionaires for those sweet-ass tax cuts and bailout companies that ruin the economy every ten years. You idiots don’t know how U.S. capitalism works. Helping the “job creators” means that wealth will definitely trickle down to your poors one day soon. My man Ronald Reagan said so, and he was the fucking Gipper. That’s not socialism for the rich and gangsta capitalism for your regular peeps. Nope, that’s just good business.
Now, in 2024, it will be an election. You only have two shitty political parties to choose from. One is led by an old racist white man with a black friend we call Genocide Joe, and the other party is led by your rapey and racist rich-ass stepdad named Donald J. Trump. I can’t believe you stupid idiots think we’d send a rich white man like Trump to jail. I don’t care if he started a rebellion against me. He’s wealthy, and rich people can do whatever they want. Good ol’ Uncle Sam doesn’t want those wealthy people or corporations to pay taxes. That’s where you all come in.
Back to the election. Do you think we have a democracy? Hahaha! What are you gonna do, vote for a Third Party? That’s a wasted vote. If I’m being honest, we don’t have a real democracy. You have owners! You poor fucks get to choose between two sorry-ass corporate-sponsored political parties, the Dixiecrats or the Klan; oops, I mean Democrats and Republicans. Don’t go calling Uncle Sam racist, either.
We gave ‘the blacks’ four things recently, and they still won’t shut up about “so-called’ racism in the United States. You people got black history month, Juneteenth, and Dr. King Day as a national holiday, and a black President named Barack Obama. Don’t say Uncle Sam killed Dr. King; it was the commies and their magic bullets that assassinated MLK and JFK. Those commies hate freedom and people who have three initials in their name. Marx only had one name, and that was Communist!
I know, I’m Uncle Sam, and I don’t care about you or your standard of living. We heard your pleas about doing something about inflation, the high cost of living, overpriced groceries, and the cost of everything. We could do something about student loan debt, or give you healthcare, or maybe address the climate crisis, but fuck you. You’re on your own, man.
If you lose your job, we’re gonna put you through the wringer to get some unemployment benefits. Then we’ll cut those benefits as soon as possible, especially if you live in a Red State. I’m just joking. All 50 states are Red States. If you don’t have healthcare, dying is an option, but your family is gonna go broke giving you a funeral. If you have mountains of debt, maybe try dying. That’s free, okay, not really. Now shut up and give us your tax dollars. If not, like Monopoly, you go straight to jail. Now, excuse me, I have a few more genocides in Africa to fund.
Sincerely,
Uncle Sam
P.S.
God Bless America and no one fucking else! FREEDOM!
Evolving Folks Project 