Evolving Folks Project

I’ve been on this earth for over four decades now. There have been many ups and downs over the years. I know people say that we should all live life with no regrets. But it’s impossible to make it to your forties without any regrets. It’s easier said than done to live a life with no regrets.

There’s always the ‘what ifs’ in life. What if I did this or that? We all have a bunch of what-ifs in life. It’s all because life is a series of choices. It can be big choices that can have a minor impact on your life. You can make small choices that can have a tremendous impact later in life. I continued my workout and fitness routine from my Navy days until current times. This has done wonders for my health. Yes, I am sore if I don’t stretch before I mow the lawn these days. And I needed to take a week’s break when I fell on my ass at the skating rink. But I was fine in the long run. That’s just one example.

When I was a child, I felt I had no control over my life. As a child in the foster care system. It was the adults who decided my fate. They made all the choices affecting my life for me. People who weren’t my family or friends had the final say in my life. I got lucky enough to be adapted, but as an adult, I wanted control over my life. So, once I became an adult, I made all the choices. Yet, I still have some regrets.

I’d like to reflect on a few regrets in my life. The first one was during my time at Northern Illinois University. In the summer of 2007, I took a Poli Sci 101 course with Prof. Hannagan. It was a sista in this class, we’ll call Kelly. This fellow Chicagoan was one of the most beautiful students ever at NIU. She had movie star looks. I mean hazel eyes, sepia-colored skin, with honey blonde streaks in her hair, and a smile that could melt the hardest dude on the block’s heart.

I often flirted with Kelly, but I never pulled the trigger on asking her out. Instead, I went for the cute but nerdy girl who was overly obsessed with the Harry Potter books. She had no interest in me, by the way. What would have happened if I asked Kelly out? It could have been a coffee date, to a movie, or for ice cream. Things a broke college student could afford. The worst thing that could have happened would be her telling me she was not interested or had a significant other. It could have been my college sweetheart or something else. I mention this regret not because I think Kelly is the one who got away. No, it’s because I doubted myself at that moment. I made her laugh, and we were cool beans long after that class ended. But years of anxiety and depression made me doubt and second-guess myself.

I thought a beautiful girl like that wouldn’t want anything to do with me. The worst that could have happened is that she would have turned me down nicely. This self-doubt harmed me not only in my dating life but also in my personal and professional life. It was an ebb and flow of not feeling worthy and good enough. I missed countless opportunities because of negative self-talk. I put up a facade many times during those years as being a happy and mentally healthy person when I was in a state of funk.

Another colossal regret is my drunk driving incident. In 2012, at a friend’s wedding, they had an excellent open bar, and I indulged. I remember parts of that night. I hit on someone’s hot mother, met a local UFC fighter, and sang karaoke. This was during one of the lowest points in my young adult life. That night, I could have asked my straight-edged friend and his wife for a ride home or to crash at their place. Instead, I drove myself home. I was so drunk I had to close one eye to stay focused. Luckily, I avoided the worst.

A neighbor at my co-op with whom I’d become close with woke me up as I slept behind the wheel of my 1997 Honda Accord. He was a retired Chicago Public Schools teacher and a Vietnam veteran. This neighbor has had his own demons with addiction and alcoholism in his younger years. I learned this from our many conversations. He knew what had happened and chewed me out. Rightfully so. I deserved it, and it was a wake-up call. I could have hurt myself or, even worse, someone else. It was stupid, and I advise folks to get a designated driver or pay for a ride share if you’re out drinking heavily. I got fortunate, and it could have gone sideways real quick. I’ve never driven in that state since that night, but I still regret the danger I put myself and so many others.

My last regret stems from the self-doubt, stupidity, and fear of rejection similar to what I discussed earlier. In my last year as a U.S. Navy Sailor aboard the USS Cleveland, I applied to four different colleges in my home state of Illinois. However, I didn’t to apply to the big state school, the University of Illinois. My uncle is an alumni, but my uncle was an attorney. He was brilliant, and I was an idiot. I thought at the moment. My high school GPA was average despite having a solid ACT score and had aced my San Diego City College classes. The worst thing that could have happened would have been for U of I to not accept me. But they could have accepted me. However, the self-doubt plaguing my young adult years again hindered me.

The funny thing is my life might have been very different if I didn’t doubt myself at these points in time. How different would my life be if I had dated Kelly, not driven drunk, or applied to U of I. It still worked out for me in life. Kelly is happily married these days with two beautiful kids and she’s still gorgeous. I have never gotten drunk and driven home since that fateful day. I didn’t go to U of I but ended up at the University of Chicago, one of the best schools in the nation that’s not an Ivy League. Then I ended up marrying a beautiful, fierce, and intelligent woman.

It’s OK to have regrets, but the problem becomes when you live in the past and can’t move forward. We have to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them. We must grow and evolve. Life all worked out for me. I am sure there’ll be more regrets if I live long enough, but reflecting on those regrets is always good. I’m most happy to say that the self-doubt I once had is gone, and I’ve been able to work through my mental health struggles. It’s an everyday struggle, but I will continue to work on it with absolutely no regrets.