Evolving Folks Project

A Letter from the U.S. Republican Party

Greetings Peasants,

We are the GOP, aka The Grand Ol’ Party. And our parties are great because it’s only white people that are invited unless you’re the help. We aren’t bigots because we are the Party of Lincoln, and he freed the slaves. Yet, the blacks still complain and want handouts to this very day. We are the Party of Reagan, and he loved the blacks so much he created a jobs program by expanding the war on drugs. That job program was called: prisons.

Don’t go accusing us of introducing crack to the black community to fight the commies in Mexico during the 1980s. Nancy Reagan fooled the Gipper into the Iran Contra Scandal. Even the Bible notes how women can trick men. Look at Jezebel. We are also the Party of Trump! We are making America Great Again; by great, we mean making it all white.

As the GOP, we love old white people, Endless Wars, Fox News, AR-15s, Jesus Freaks, libertarians, and, most of all, we love rich people. Not you Mc Mansion-owning suburbanites. No, we mean billionaires and multinational corporations. They can have their way with us however they like, even if it means pegging us good and hard.

We hate abortion and women’s bodily autonomy. Women need to be in the kitchen cooking us dinner and getting us a cold one. Also, fuck those kids; their parents shouldn’t have been poor and on welfare. Free school lunches for kids is communism. We only care about those crumb snatchers in the womb once they’re born into the world, fuck ‘em. Those little moochers are on their own. Unless they’re rich and white. Or trapped on Epstein’s Island. The Deep State killed that hero of a man and framed him as a pedo. He was recusing those little girls from the Democrats secret underground child death matches.

The GOP are the friends of the Free Market, unlike those Marxist Dummycrats! Taxing the Rich is ungodly, and it says so in the Bible. Jesus said during the Sermon on the Mount. “Make Thy Money” and “Fuck the Poor!” That’s why the GOP ensures only our billionaire buddies and our corporate overlords get those sweet ass tax cuts. Taxes are what we fleece from the middle class, and the poor people are just there to keep those middle-class folks at their shitty soul-sucking jobs and in line. If they don’t shut up and go to work, they’ll be out on the streets begging for change too. We use that tax money to get more police to protect our private gated communities and to bomb poor Middle Eastern countries back to the Stone Age. Kick their ass and take their gas, we say. Those needy billionaires need a hand-up, not a handout. And we the GOP are gonna get it to them. Anyway, we built it (On the backs of black slaves, exploited laborers, and migrant workers). The wealthy are job creators and work harder than everyone else.

The GOP works to deregulate everything. Regulation is oppression. If a company wants to dump coal ash into the water supply or burn its trash pile near your community, then so be it. I’m sure Granny will sacrifice herself for the economy. She’s old anyway, and she’s already almost dead. Screw those trees and animals. We clear-cut nature because we have more oil refineries to build. Make way for human progress nature, and by human progress, we mean wealthy straight white god-fearing white men’s bank accounts. The framers of the Constitution stated that only land-owning white men could vote. We want to return to those good ol’ days when only “the right-type” people can vote as the Grand Ol’ Party.

Now, we aren’t racist. We are the Ku Klux Klan Party…Oops, I mean the Republican Party. It was a fantastic party full of White Claw, cucumber sandwiches, golf, khakis, and Kid Rock blasting through the speakers. As we said before, the GOP freed the slaves, and black people have been lazy ever since. Except for Clarance Thomas, Kanye West, and Larry Elder, they’re the good ones. Also, RIP Herman Cain! All lives matter, and black lives matter makes us feel attacked. Cops can’t help that the bad ones always commit crimes. Atlanta, Chicago, and New York City are all war zones. Besides, the blacks got reparations. They had Obummer, I mean Barack Hussein Obama, as the president.

The Woke Mob Mind Hivers still complain about racism. We in the GOP know the truth thanks to our patron saint, Elon Musk. The hippie liberals convince the blacks to have reverse racism against hard-working, God-fearing white people. By white people, we only mean white men. It’s so hard to be a white man nowadays. You can’t say hi to a chick anymore without getting MeToo’d. Thanks, Obama!

The Illegals are taking over our white country. Like our lord and savior, Donald J. Trump, once said, “I assume some of them are good people.” Go back to your shithole country, and leave our shithole nation alone. We are gonna build a big, beautiful wall all around America to keep those dope-smoking Mexicans away from our lovely and pure white daughters. The only person who should be fondling our daughters is us, dammit! Particularly if she resembles the angelic Ivanka Trump.

Finally, the GOP will ensure that America remains a nation for rugged men. The gays are destroying America. They want a taco stand and an abortion clinic on every corner, not on our watch. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Stephen. Now, these snowflakes want us to use pronouns. If our GOP voters are scrolling through Grindr, pronouns will only confuse them. When JD Vance or the Undertaker wears eyeliner, it’s manly, not drag. Hulk Hogan said so, and he’s a real dude, brother.

It’s not gay sex if it happens at a country club. Anyway, sex is for procreation under the sacred union of marriage. Thanks to the activist Supreme Court, we have gay marriage and transgenders. Their goal is to mislead us by insisting that trans women are actual women. We can’t believe so many of our GOP voters got fooled when scrolling through Pornhub. Those dang trans women. As Republicans, we refrain from watching pornography, particularly gay and trans porn. That’s so gay! It’s why we’re gonna ban porn, trans people, unicorns, drag shows, Mexicans, Climate Change, and black people.

Regarding safety, a Catholic church is much better for your kid to visit than a drag show. The gay community is instilling woke ideologies in our youth. We do not know what “woke” or critical race theory actually means, but we despise them nevertheless. Once Trump wins in 2024, we will ban being ‘woke’ and critical race theory forever. Just like we ban books because in the Land of the Free, who needs to know how to read? Reading is for nerds. Don’t forget to cast your vote for us. We’re not gonna give you anything but a false sense of pride due to you being white. We are white too, but we have far more money than you will ever have. So keep those donations coming for our billionaire fearless leader Trump or he might be shot again. Thanks you poor schmucks.

Sincerely,

The Grand Old White Party