These days, many young men are falling into two troubling camps: the incel community—men who feel unable to form romantic relationships and often blame women—and those drawn to the looksmaxxing subculture, which focuses on extreme self-improvement for attractiveness, such as painful plastic surgery, steroid usage, and a never-ending quest for a perfect square jaw. These camps are both intermingled and rooted in a longstanding sexism. I’ve written about this before, but the Manosphere—online communities promoting a misogynist masculine identity—is simply sexism rebranded for the modern age. As more women worldwide gain careers, access to education and birth control, and self-determination, there’s been a backlash to restore the old order, where women stayed in their ‘place,’ and LGBTQ people hid in plain sight.
We aren’t going back to those days, no matter how many suckers like Elon Musk or Andrew Tate advocate for it. The incel and looksmaxxing subcultures paradoxically revolve around attracting women and male desirability. These online communities aren’t just impacting Zoomers and Gen Alpha. Their origins trace back to Gen X and Millennial men, such as Joe Rogan, Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and others who became top influencers in the manosphere, often carrying forward harmful attitudes towards women and girls from previous generations.
Getting a date and attracting a mate doesn’t have to lead a man to taking a hammer to his chin, using steroids to get jacked like an ’80s pro-wrestler, or coughing up thousands for painful leg extension surgery for those falling into the world of looksmaxxing. Or be a dude who blames women for all his own shortcomings and thus feels he must be single for life because women are shallow beings. This is the dominant ideology of the incel subculture.
Who wants advice from a middle-aged married man? You might scoff. Yes, I’s married. It isn’t all rainbows and butterflies—there are good and bad days. My wife and I work together as a team and try to have fun and relax most days. Still, that’s more than many manosphere ‘influencers’ can claim. Influencers like Andrew Tate post bizarre claims such as “It’s gay to have sex with women beyond procreation.” The manosphere isn’t about common sense, just recycled half-truths and nonsense. Tate and his brother have also faced legal trouble for human trafficking and rape charges in multiple nations. The supposed king of the ‘alpha males’ resorts to coercion for companionship. There’s also the bizarre bigot Nick Fuentes, who openly promotes pedophilia, anti-LGBTQ rhetoric, and agrees with Tate’s alt-right views.
In truth, making love to a woman is the least ‘gay’ thing a man can do—and there’s nothing wrong with being gay. Attraction isn’t a choice. Yet, the manosphere spreads nonsense and amasses millions of followers on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter. Oddly, some of the manosphere’s biggest influencers are obsessed with Hitler, even though the Nazi’s lost WWII. Thus are the losers of that war, whose backward ideology belongs in the dustbin of history. Clearly, knowledge isn’t a strong suit of the manosphere.
They promote dangerous ideologies that blame feminism for the so-called male loneliness epidemic. If millions of young men are finding community in the manosphere, it’s easy to see why there’s a romance gap between Zoomer men and women. These beliefs in the manosphere portray women as shallow, gold diggers, or crazy, and blame the push for gender equality for perceived declines in male relationship options.
If I were a teenage boy with easy internet access, I would understand why these online spaces are enticing. As a teen, I really liked girls. My older brother had more success with them in high school than I did. That was difficult, but I didn’t become a proto-incel in the early 2000s. I came of age, and things improved for me by my late teens and early 20s. It took years to try to answer the age-old question young men ask: “What do women want?”
The answer isn’t simple; it depends. Women, like all humans, are complex. When it comes to finding a mate, heterosexual men often prioritize looks; women often value personality, though the opposite can also be true.
When I was single and ready to mingle, I was never the tallest, richest, or most glamorous guy, but I still got dates and met some great women. My revelation cuts to the heart of the incel subculture: you can’t win them all. In that community, rejection is seen as disastrous, but in reality, taking losses is a normal part of the game of love. Entitlement drives the belief that all women should throw themselves as you, but that’s not how the world works. Embrace rejection—if someone turns you down, be gracious and move on.
Too many women and girls have suffered harm for rejecting men. It’s painful to acknowledge the low bar for men. If a woman turns you down, it’s not a license to insult or hurt her. Rejection hurts, but fragile egos can make men violent. I’ve faced rejection myself.
Once, a woman rejected my advances at a music venue in my old college town. It sucked at the moment, because I thought she was gorgeous and seemed down-to-earth. A year later, we reconnected and dated for several months. She’d been dating someone else during my first attempt to woo her. In addition, it was other women who simply weren’t interested in me, and that’s okay. No one owes you affection. In a world of billions, there are plenty of potential partners out there looking for the one.
When dating, have fun. As I’ve said, friends, family, or lovers want to be around easygoing people—not a buzzkill. If you’re feeling sorry for yourself and have a woe-is-me attitude, you likely won’t have many friends or a romantic partner. You don’t need to be a comedian like Kevin Hart or a dancer like Usher Raymond. Just be someone enjoyable to be around, because you genuinely enjoy life and want to share that joy with others.
Also, in dating, ignore faux Alpha Male advice that says you need to be buff and aggressive to attract women. Tom Holland isn’t the biggest or buffest guy, yet he’s with Zendaya, a literal model. Women value kindness, warmth, and humor in a partner. Six-pack abs, height, or money may help, but they’re not the keys to dating success. Being a decent person is. Women risk a lot by being vulnerable in intimate settings, so they want to feel safe. That’s the best advice I can give: be a man who respects boundaries and knows that “no means no”.
Finally, if you’re looking to date, don’t stink. Wear clean, well-fitting clothes. Be presentable and develop your own style. Lenny Kravitz, Morris Chestnut, Donald Glover, and Idris Elba are known for style. Despite their differences, plenty of women admire these men. I’m saying you have to dress eccentric like Lenny or classy like Morris to get dates. You don’t have to be famous to create a style that fits your personality. Fellas, look around any city or town, and you’ll see countless couples. Men are still finding love and happiness all around. Those drawn to the incel or looksmaxxing path miss the point. Instead of attracting women, they crave approval from other men in toxic ways.
Manosphere followers would be shocked to realize women are not a monolith; preferences vary widely. The manosphere’s echo chambers offer only harmful, narrow advice. The main argument: seeking direct, genuine perspectives from women in real life is far healthier and more effective than following toxic online scripts.
Evolving Folks Project 