A Letter from a Liberal

Dear Evolving Man Project,

My name is Rebecca Spektuurmanger. My pronouns are she/her. I’m a stay-at-home mom and feminist from San Marino, California. I run the Karen Loves Raisins Podcast. I wanted to write your website after coming across your Question Culture podcast about the Two-Party System while on my daily jog. Then I decided to check out your website, and I almost spilled my Napa Valley wine on my Louis Vuitton sneakers from what I read.

How dare you say “fudge Joe Biden!” I can’t curse now because my two-year-old Tanner is nearby. They’re sitting on my nanny Maria’s lap. This domestic violent extremists site has ruined my week. I had a seance and a yoga retreat planned. This threw off my energy and now my chakra’s aren’t aligned. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I know, because I would have voted for Obama a third, fourth, and fifth time if I could have. That’s not the white guilt speaking either, it’s the truth. He was clean-cut, handsome, well-spoken, and articulate. Best President Ever!

I agree with the “decent man” President Joe Biden, who said you don’t see that in African-Americans very much nowadays. If you are black and didn’t vote for Biden, then “You Ain’t Black!” And Uncle Clyburn would agree. That’s why Biden rewarded black people for their undying loyalty to the DNC by making “I lock up poor black people,” Kamala Harris, his vice president. I love her story; she’s so diverse. Best VP ever! Her wonderful laugh sounds like cats banging in a back alley, beautiful. President Joe Biden gave us a black holiday too! We celebrated Juneteenth by listening to every John Legend album with our little ones. I can’t believe all you vile leftists bullied Johnnie’s lovely wife, Chrissy Teigen, off Twitter. Who cares if she told a sixteen girl to kill herself! I told that to the barista at Starbucks who got my order wrong last week. A caramel macchiato isn’t a pumpkin spice latte, Roger!

It’s true what President Biden said about Obama because most black people don’t grow up with their fathers. That’s why Joe Biden wrote the Crime Bill. Because we all know prison is a ‘safe space’ for black people. And the Sellout Black Congressional Caucus agreed with Joe. And I can’t be racist anyway because I dated both a black man and woman while I was a media studies major at UC Berkley. And I rescued, oops, I mean adopted a baby from Nigeria. My hubby and I named him Hamilton after that fabulous Broadway show by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Mr. Vestal, you talked about on podcast when you organized with Occupy Wall Street, volunteered at a soup kitchen, and organized labor with the Progressive Workers Union. Well, I’m an organizer too! I was part of the “Resistance!” Every night during the Trump presidency, I tuned into Rachel Maddow (our qween) to find out more truth bombs about Russiagate. Then I’d text my Oprah Bookclub BFFs about it. I also donated a thousand dollars to Pete Buttigieg’s campaign because I met him once at a wine cave party. And he became my new gay bestie. Happy belated Pride Month! 

Look, we are both fighting for the same thing here. We want universal healthcare, a living wage, ending foreign wars, clean energy, reigning in corporate greed, and solving the climate crisis. But you radical leftists think change happens overnight with a wave of a magic wand. And you want free stuff too! That’s thanks to your purity politics and wokeness. Your righteous anger blinds you to how the political world works. I know how the world works because I watch CNN and MSNBC daily. Who needs to read books anyway when you have NPR shows sponsored by the Koch Brothers to listen to, right? Get your facts straight, buddy! What have leftists and radicals ever done for the United States anyway? Nothing! You radicals just act like babies when things don’t go your way. Like when that sexist Bernie didn’t win the Democratic primary, and you all voted for the Green Party. A wasted vote! I waste my vote by Voting Blue No Matter who, because I don’t like thinking to independently. Plus, the Democrats are my favorite sports team. Go Team Blue all the way! We told you we can push Biden left, even though pushing Biden left will land you in Gitmo forever. 

See, I’m an aggressively moderate pragmatist. Incremental change will ensure that by the year 2125 when half of planet earth’s cities are underwater, all earth forests are on fire, the oceans are void of any lifeforms. Our grandchildren’s children live in a Mad Max-like world where humanity wages war over the last remaining freshwater. We’ll finally have enough progressives in Congress to tackle climate change. Now is not the time to #ForceTheVote. The all-powerful Senate Parliamentarian won’t allow it, because democracy. Anyway, I can’t wait until AOC is our first Latinx president; I’m sure she’ll save us all. She’s pretty and smart, and she’s on the cover of Vogue magazine. I keep that issue framed in our veranda. Like AOC said, Biden has exceeded all my expectations! 

When Joe beat Trump, we all went to brunch! It was the best day ever. I got white-girl wasted on mimosas and White Claws. Those kids are still in cages; he’s bombed Syria twice, people still don’t have healthcare during a pandemic, he hasn’t forgiven student loan debt, hasn’t taxed the rich. But he’s given more money to the police, he’s increased the defense budget, and supports fracking and more pipelines. What a true environmentalist. You radical leftists need to give Biden a chance. He’s only been president for six months…Jeez! He told us. “Nothing will fundamentally change! ” You claim you’re an activist? Well, I am too. I vote blue to save America every four years. Everyone in my exclusive community is doing just fine now that the monster Trump is out of office. I don’t worry about the world; now that the adults are in the room are still doing the same things Trump did. See, the status quo works! You also said both Trump and Biden are racists and rapists. Well, first off, Trump raped more women! So checkmate! I’m all for MeToo, but we all known Tara Reade is a Russian agent of Putin. In fact, I think you are too. I bet you’re KGB, Mr. Vestal!

That’s why I reported your website and podcast to the Biden Administration for promoting violent domestic extremism. In November 2020, we defeated mean tweets and overtly racist fascism of the GOP and replaced it with fascism and a side of platitudes, woke tweets, and faux diversity of the DNC. Remember, Anti-Fascists, the Proud Boys, and Black Lives Matter are all the same thing, troublemakers! At least that’s what my Republican husband Bill thinks. And “Defund the Police” is just a slogan. Our daddy Obama said so! 

Finally, you are just helping Trump win again. You know why? Because everything is Trump! You’re Trump, I’m Trump, Biden is Trump, the Power Rangers are Trump, and the entire universe is Trump. You know Trump is responsible for racism and slavery, the fall of ancient Egyptian Civilization, and he’s the reason why Whole Foods doesn’t sell vegan bagels anymore. That man is pure evil! And he’s Putin’s puppet!  

That’s all for now; I have to pick up our Yorkshire Terrier Georgie from their doggie hot yoga class. We named him after that sweet old man George W. Bush. He dances with Ellen, paints, and he’s gives candy to Michelle Obama. I still hate that spoiler nobody Ralph Nader (who cares if the Ninja Turtles name dropped him in Secret of the Ooze). He gave us George W. and the War in Iraq. But Bush redeemed himself by hating Trump too. Because all there is Trump! 


Rebecca K. Spektuurmanger 

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