A Letter from a Libertarian

Dear Evolving Man Project,

My name is Tanner Bartholomew Yalden. I’m writing to this “Social Justice Warriors R’ Us” website in response to the Question Culture Podcast episodes I and II on Libertarianism. This is a rebuttal to Lornett Vestal and his rubbish podcast spewing fake news about us Libertarians. Along with your Far-Left-liberal co-host, Brian. Libertarianism is a lot like astrology, in which it’s proven real by science. I’m an Aries, fire signs all the way!

You two free-market hating moochers need a bit of education on what ‘Liberty’ means. Let’s talk about the Free Market. You and your bruh, Brian, were complaining that back during the Industrial Revolution, little children had to work in factories and coal mines. Well, look at these lazy kids of today! They’re all on Tik Tok doing stupid dances and eating Tide Pods. They’re not learning the value of being productive. They don’t know the meaning of hard work either. I say if they’re old enough to walk, they’re old enough to work! No free handouts! The only thing free in this world is the beautiful Free Market. It should be no more free rides for those little crumb snatchers. They should have to earn their keep. Speaking of the Free Markets. The invisible hand guides the Free Market like a shepherd guides a sweet baby unicorn home to its rainbow.

You and Brian spoke about how corporate interests are interwoven with Big Government. Wrong again! You lefties can’t see the forest for the damn trees. The Government is tyranny, and taxation is slavery! At least the slaves in the United States didn’t have to pay taxes. We libertarians, believe individual freedom. We want the Republicans out of your personal life and the Democrats out of your wallet. Like my boy Elon Musk, I prefer a little toke every now and again. I’m a fiscal conservative, but I’m socially liberal. The liberal Democrats also want us to pay for the ‘poors’ government-funded abortions. Those beggars need to take some personal responsibility for being a bunch of breeders. Now, I did pay for the hot intern’s abortion at my job. But we went to a private doctor because liberty.

Speaking of wasteful Big Government spending, since you and Brian want “Universal Healthcare.” How will we pay for that? With leprechaun gold shillings? We just should privatize everything. Deregulate it all too! Get Big Government out of the way the Job Creators. Who needs clean air and drinkable water anyway? Nestle sells plenty of bottled water! Let the free market work. The EPA is infringing on my liberty to pollute Mother Nature. Mankind won. Get over it already, you tree-hugging crybabies! The public sector is my money going to help other people. Gross!

The fire department, for example, why does the government have to fund that? We all should pay a fee to get a fire-fighting services. If you’re too poor to pay that ‘fire fee,’ then your house and neighborhood should burn down. That’s the free market at work, baby! I think Halliburton would be a great company to take over all the nation’s fire departments. Just imagine how efficient and innovative they’d be? We saw the wonders Halliburton did in Iraq. I was forced to call the fire department once when I burned my caviar dish. My maid had the nerve to ask for a sick day, so I fired her. So I was forced to fend for myself. The firefighters refused to take my money—the worst day of my life, man.

I’m all for limited government. But we do need the military and police. I’m delighted with my money ‘not’ defunding the police. Because we libertarians believe in the rule of law. The police are here to protect our gated communities, estates, and all private property. They’re also here to arrest those communist freeloaders who loot Dollar Tree! Get a damn job you commie-cucks. The only foreign military intervention I’m for is the U.S. military overthrowing democratically elected leaders in poor countries to expand markets for private corporations. Hey, the free market needs those natural resources to exploit. They don’t exploit themself. Shout out to Chiquita Banana!

I was distraught when I found out the peasants were receiving stimmy checks from Big Government. Giving my money to the takers, is just more wealth redistribution. Those vagabond’s should all get jobs, and don’t tell me there’s a recession due to the pandemic. That’s just an excuse for you all to be lazy! My father is still pissed that President Reagan didn’t cut Social Security. Just more of my money going to the pockets of grandmas and grandpas. Making them fat and lazy. Those old people can get a job as a Wal-Mart greeter.

President Ronald Reagan at Durenberger Republican convention Rally, 1982 (Photo by Universal History Archive/Getty Images)

My Wal-Mart stocks are doing well, so I assume those Wal-Mart employees are paid just fine. Oh, the federal minimum wage is completely authoritarian! Companies should be able to pay their workers whatever they like. And if workers don’t like what they’re paid, they should just get another job. Now back in the good ol’ days, the vagrants would suffer in silence and only ask for handout at the last minute. That’s the American way. It’s not my fault you lost your job, house and can’t afford health insurance. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and stop complaining.

Nowadays, everyone wants a Big Government handout. I blame black people for this mindset; now I’m not racist. I listen to hip hop and love myself some bling-bling, making it rain, and new Bugatti’s. But it’s tyranny when Big Government tells business it’s illegal to not serve the gays, Jews, and Dwarfs. Martial Law, I tell you.

Now, when the pandemic started and those corporations needed a bailout from Big Government. I think that was good for business, just like those fantastic tax cuts. Cutting taxes is freedom! Sometimes the infallible Free Market needs a bit of help from Big Brother. Now those companies that took that sweet tax-free bailout money gave those hard working corporate execs bonuses. Those needy billionaires got a hand up, not a handout! I’m a BIG fan of business competition, but if a company becomes a monopoly, good. The goal of every capitalist is to become Too Big to Fail! This is chess, not checkers.

Brian and Lornett called private businesses fascist. Companies don’t need Big Brother regulating them. That’s real fascism. Who cares if their employees have to pee in bottles or work 90 hours straight? Unions are for wussies. They’re like the rest of those losers who are jealous of winners like me. As an individual, I worked hard for my trust fund. I had to wait until I was twenty-one to get it. That was a bummer. And once I graduated from Harvard, I was forced to live in my parent’s guest house for a whole year; that dump was only three stories, four thousand square feet, with one cleaning lady in the Hamptons. The horror!

Brian and Lornett’s podcast talked about the cutting of entitlement programs hurting poor people. Nope, entitlement programs make people unproductive sloths. If you don’t think your job pays enough, we’ll get a new one, buddy. I did; I once worked at Goldman Sachs but felt my six-figure salary wasn’t enough. I quit and got a job at my dad’s hedge fund. Now I make seven-figures. I don’t understand why those paupers can’t do that? It must be because they don’t really work hard like us makers. Bums!

I like to thank Lornett Vestal for letting me address his ridiculous podcast criticizing the wonderful philosophy of the mystic arts of being a selfish asshole; oops, I mean libertarianism. He called corporations heartless, soulless entities. He must be referring to Disney. Corporations are people, dammit! Recognize their humanity. However, his hatred of Big Business shines through those episodes versus who he should really hate, Big Government! He and his co-host are misguided liberals. President Reagan said it best, “Government is not the solution; government is the problem.” I know you snowflakes hate the good old libertarian mantra, “I got mine, Jack!”


Tanner B. Yalden

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