Evolving Folks Project

A message from the Democratic National Committee,

Dear Black Lives Matter,

We are the Democratic Party! We are The Political Party of Martin Van Buren. Do you remember who that was? We don’t either. Like most Americans, we Democrats think U.S. history is so boring. Why do you think we keep shutting down schools in the inner cities? Charter Schools buy elections far better than those damn public schools. But hey, Tim Waltz gave kiddos free lunch again in Minnesota. See, we Dems did a good thing, right?

We are the Party of Andrew Jackson, and he’s on the 20-dollar bill. Yes, he is a racist who used force to move the Cherokee Nation to a reservation in what is now known as the Trail of Tears. Shit! Okay, we are the Party of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, aka FDR, y’all like him, right? He gave us the New Deal and invited electricity (Okay, Ben Franklin invented electricity. He didn’t? Well, who cares about history anyway).

We identify as the Party of Barack Obama. Y’all adore him, don’t you? He was black, he was handsome, and he loved to send drones to blow up civilians. Oops, we mean terrorists. Don’t worry. Barry O felt terrible about those drone strikes. Aren’t you BIPOC folks privileged to be living in the Greatest Country on Earth? The Corporate States, sorry, we mean the United States of America. Our military is lethal and sexy AF

We hate the Republicans. They’re a bunch of meanies with cooties. We must keep the old Good Cop, Bad Cop routine going for stupid voters. We Democrats are the ‘Good Cops.’ Kamala was a cop, but she’s black and Indian too. And she’s a woman. That makes her a ‘woke’ Mrs. Officer. We bet Lil Wayne would definitely add Mamala to his body count.

We used to be in the tank for Elon Musk and told you, peasants, to buy his overpriced shitty electric Tesla cars. Elon and us Democrats have something in common: union-busting. We Dems could have expanded public transportation and commissioned high-speed rails. However, Mayo Pete is still stuck in that goddamn wine cave.

The Liberal Brunch NIMBY brigade doesn’t want poor people in their exclusive communities. So we’re not expanding public transportation. We can’t have that property value decrease after we gentrify your once ghetto neighborhood. Plus, the poors use public transit, disgusting. Now that Elon has ruined Twitter, Joe Rogan, and men’s hair plugs. We don’t like him. The DNC has a black billionaire on our side. Aren’t we woke? Her name is Oprah, and she’s the Mother Goddess Gaia.

Unlike the Republicans, we Democrats are in the pocket of the Israeli lobby of AIPAC. We don’t let the Comrades in Moscow influence us, unlike that weirdo Trump. That’s why we’re funding a proxy war with Russia in the Ukraine. The Republicans are the real communists because they’re a bunch of Putin Puppets right along with Jill Stein and those fucking Bernie Bros. You see, our disdain for the Republicans is only as deep as the kiddie pool at your local YMCA because we serve the same corporate overlords.

The Republicans call us communists, but we love rich people, too! We are Capitalists down to the rot of our failing economic system. The DNC is the Neoliberal Party, which means we are polite libertarians. Unlike the Republicans, our celebrity friends are so fuckable. We got Kerry Washington, George Clooney, Megan Thee Stallion, The fake hunky President from Scandal, and Elmo. Suck It, Hulkamania! We love rich people so much that we extended the Bush and Trump bailouts under Obama and Biden. We kept those Republican Tax Cuts too. The Marxist label is to fool dummies in the American voting base into thinking we aren’t corporate-controlled political hacks.

Did we mention that we love black people in the Democratic Party? We love Black People so much that we co-opted the Black Lives Matter movement to get that racist Jim Crow Joe Biden elected president in 2020. We love Black people so much that in that 1990s, we created the three strikes laws and mass incarceration. Thank goodness for Slick Willy. Those poor black people needed something constructive to do, like being in prison versus selling drugs and shooting each other on street corners in Little Rock or Chicago. The Black Congressional Coon Caucus agreed too.

We love black people so much that we bailed out the banks over actual middle and working-class people in 2009. Thus, there was a tremendous loss of black wealth in the 2010s. Who needs a roof over their head and food in the kitchen anyway? No worries, though, Nancy Pelosi still has $100 buckets of ice cream made from the tears of Mongolian babies in her freezer. Thanks, Obama! We’re still riding the coattails of LBJ and his new society. He gave black folks Civil Rights. You’re welcome. But Jim Crow Joe gave y’all a holiday so that upper-middle-class white people could get another day off from their fake email jobs called Juneteenth. So we are good, my niggas?  You gotta love us, Dixecrats, we mean Democrats.

As the Democratic Party, we offer empty platitudes, not actual policy. Actual social and economic policies would mean we’d have to govern for the people versus scaring you idiot voters into voting for us every two years because Trump = is bad. We won’t make weed legal across the nation, make the Green New Deal law, give you peasants universal healthcare, free college, cancel student loan debt, or raise the minimum wage for essential workers. We can’t do those things because of the Senate Parliamentarian, Corn Dog Democrats, Fairies, Wall Street donors, or whatever reason executives at MSNBC come up with. Thanks, Rachael Maddow.

We hear you, we see you, and we’ll do absolutely nothing for you. I’m speaking, bitches! The Military Industrial Complex, Corporate America, and the 1% are our top priorities, just like our Republican colleagues. We’ll give you whatever crumbs we have left over, but not before we means test the hell out of it. No free handouts, bums.

The Democratic Party is where wealthy liberal white people and rich bougie black people join forces to shit on oppressed poor people of the world. We have no tangible peaceful solutions to offer the people of Gaza (but more bombings), supporters of Black Lives Matter, or ending homelessness in the United States. If you disagree with the Democrats, we’ll gaslight the shit outta ya. Who else will you vote for, the Republicans? Or the Green Party? We blocked the Greens in Court. It’s only democracy if you vote for Corporately Owned Blue, no matter who. You thought we would have a primary to choose a new presidential candidate? Silly rabbit. We chose Kamala Harris for you morons. We’re not risking the rise of grassroots candidates who might offer people real change, such as radical Socialist and Army of Bros, like Bernie Sanders did in 2020. That’s how the DNC saves democracy by not practicing it. Hey, buddy, this is the “most important election of our lifetime.”

We at the DNC ensure we side with the Republicans over progressives and activists at every turn. The DNC didn’t Defund the Police. The DNC gave them Cop Cities. We love War, just like the Republicans. That’s why we support genocide and drone strikes. Education for the poor isn’t that important to us. That’s why we closed down the schools in the inner city. We’ll continue to use abortion as a wedge issue to fundraise off you fools. The DNC could have codified Roe v. Wade during the Carter, Clinton, Obama, or Biden era. We didn’t because we don’t care about justice or women. Only law and order. Just like our Republican brethren across the aisle. And they’re fascists, and we are fascist enablers. I mean, the Democrats are the Resistance.

While things continue to go to shit in this great nation of ours, know it’s your fault. It’s your fault for not giving us Democrats a super-duper majority of 100 senators and 435 members of Congress, the White House, and the Supreme Court. Without that, nothing progressive will happen in the United States. As Jim Crow Joe once said, “Nothing will
fundamentally change.” So once again, vote for us, and we’ll give you all a cool Black Lady President. When Kamala Harris shatters that glass ceiling, the shards will rain down on the Global South like a cluster bomb in Gaza. Our liberal voters can go back to sleep for another four years until it’s time to shame you again into voting for our sorry-ass political party. At least we have AOC in the DNC, and she’s pretty. And that’s what matters to liberal voters most: vibes.

No healthcare, more K-12 education cuts, inflation, and tons of medical, credit, student loan, and school lunch debt for all Americans, no matter who wins every four years. Remember this in November, peons. A vote for Trump is a vote for Trump, a vote for Kamala is a vote for Trump, and a vote for the Green Party is a vote for Trump! Not voting is a vote for Trump. Because everything is Trump, and all there is is Trump.

Sincerely,
Love is Love, The DNC